I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
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Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this