My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
never ask a starfish for directions
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Grandmother clock.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”