Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
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Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves