TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*