“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
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I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.