Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
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AM I BEING GASLIT????
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.