“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
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I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.