they should invent a type of situation that improves.
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Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I’m sorry…what?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
inventing words: clothing
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey