Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.