Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“No way.” -Jose
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
It do be feeling this way.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
why isn’t he texting back
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.