Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
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Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
We have a winner.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…