[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
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My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally