[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
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The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
me 2 months after i graduated
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.