Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
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4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”