Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
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former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
New Tinder profile.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.