me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.