If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
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A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
“Oh hi, you’re home early”