I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
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At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
when someone compliments me
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?