me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
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