I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
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*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.