5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
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A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt