A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.