kitchen magnet
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.