how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
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My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Planet of the Apps.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Had an epiphany today.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me checking my bank balance online.
My Sentiments Exactly
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.