Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.