Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
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This is my pinned tweet
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*