Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
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It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me, reading some of your tweets
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .