Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Human are so complicated
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
eggs benadryl
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.