Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
You Might Also Like
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
And that about sums it up.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.