The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
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ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster