You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
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Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Hank is one in a melon.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that