My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Spring cleaning checklist…
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Genius idea!!
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Feel. He’s so soft.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite