Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
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My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.