co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
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Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
He was looking for a job and then he found a job