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I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Well. That’s not a good sign.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
finally
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”