Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
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I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now