I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I think I’ll stand
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Ok but actually
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
absolutely not
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.