Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
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<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.