I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.