Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
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[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.