ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
You Might Also Like
Sharon I have some bad news
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel