Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
You Might Also Like
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Twitter remains undefeated
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
me hitting on a model
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all