Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
You Might Also Like
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
*weighs self after shaving
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.