My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
You Might Also Like
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.