“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
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Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.