The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.