You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
You Might Also Like
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Planet of the Apps.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.