#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.