wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
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My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
#Caturday
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“OMGJK” -atheists
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.