I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
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The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
i’m still crying at this
I bet
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I’m awake but I object,
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk